Once upon a time, I was a happy child with virtually no qualms about life. I was assertive. I loved having friends and garnering people’s attention. I loved to speak and interact and perform. I loved to dance, to sing, to play instruments in front of an audience with absolutely no fears. I was always energetic and full of spirit, sometime a bit hotheaded.
But I’ve really changed since then. I’m no longer that assertive child. There are many things in life that worry me. Although I still like to have stage presence, achieving that ends has become much more difficult. I still find myself sometimes overly self-confident, but this self-confidence is masked by an outer layer of timidity and noncomplacency. Ironic how I’ve changed outwardly. I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. I don’t quite share the same bonds with friends as I used to. I’ve somewhat retreated into an awkward shell that I don’t understand myself. I truthfully still like attention, even though it doesn’t always seem that way. I love to speak, when I know what I’m saying, but often, I’m caught on a whim, and then I ramble. I stutter, because my mind is constantly churning thoughts in the process of my speaking. I still love to sing to people, but I’m more self-conscious of my mistakes. I play without the freedom that I am capable of, being restrained by a certain fear that something will go wrong. It seems like my freedom to self expression has been stifled…
I’ve changed a lot since middle school. I still treasure my friends, but why, why do I still remain alienated from them?
Today was frustrating. Once again, I can’t help but worry about English. It’s just not my subject of preference. That coupled with a teacher that I can’t quite comprehend (as uniquely interesting as she is)… I’m just scared of the unknown, I guess.
I wish I had attempted to help a classmate who was struggling more. Inner struggles are horrible. ._. I’m sorry! I guess I believe there are times when people shouldn’t be riding on their friends for help.You can’t be forever dependent on people around you to help you with something that you should have been able to work with yourself. And yet, ah… Constant struggle between wanting to help this person and also wanting the person to struggle a bit by him/herself. It’s not too hard once in a while, and it does build character. =\
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