Rant # + Hiatus? -angry mob-

This has been the most unproductive summer of my life. I feel like I’m just waiting for something to happen, but nothing’s happening at all. It’s hard to finish what I’ve started, and it’s hard to start what I’ve planned. How… mildly… depressing? Having the Internet can be such a curse. I need to stop checking the same sites every half an hour, and I need to stop anticipating IMs and chatting altogether. It makes me anxious. And anxiety is quite debilitating. 

You know how… when you worry too much about this or that… you just feel like getting away and not thinking about anything at all? At least for me, I think it’s the reason for procrastination.

College mostly. People too. 

That just makes it hard to start. 

When I talk about hard to finish… it’s because… perfectionism gets the better of me, and if something doesn’t turn out exactly the way I expect it to, I feel like I just end up squandering my time away. Like cleaning my room? I’ve been at it for how long? I keep on taking breaks, because I just don’t know where to start. And when I do start… 

I threw away several boxes full of paper I’ve kept since middleschool. I had to go through and examine every freaking sheet of paper that I’ve kept. If only I could be slightly less… obsessive… about these kinds of things, I’d save a lot of time and energy. 

I’m afraid of losing things that I think are important. =_= I’m prone to losing things all the time, so I try to make up for overlooking by rechecking things a billion times. Annoying. Gosh.

I have absolutely no problem wasting my day away watching dramas or anime. But all this idleness is suffocating. 

I haven’t touched my piano in the longest time. I said I’d pick it up again this summer. Ughhh. Also somewhat of an inferiority complex? When so many people are better than me… sometimes, I wonder if I’m ever going to get anywhere. So what’s the point, right?

Pessimism is terrible. 

And the point of my post? I would like to say that I’ll be going on an Internet hiatus for a bit, but that’s not entirely true. I’ll still post on LJ and check my Gmail. And I’ll still stay up to date on manga/anime/dramas, but Facebook is evil. It makes you feel lonely and depressed. What’s the point of going to it every 15 minutes? >_>; I should probably disable Facebook notifications, because my inbox is getting bombarded with spam every day, and it’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m tired of staring at conversations about reunions being planned or other parties being held. Maybe it’s because I’m so tired of planning things myself. It’s just irritating. Argh. 

Things are just so inconvenient. Perfect timing, seriously. /sarcasm. 

My friend invited me to a barbeque on Friday. :3 

As for IMs, I love the people I talk to. And surprisingly, I’ve been able to practice decent amounts of self control while using it. But, I think I’ll be going on invisible for a while. 

So if you read this and you still feel like talking, IM me once in a while? I definitely need to break the habit of sleeping so late. But Jackie, if you ever feel like going on a Taco Bell trip at some ridiculous time in the early morning, poke me on AIM. Aha. 

Facebook. It’s a love/hate relationship. If I didn’t have a FB account, I wonder if I would have gone all berserk about friends. Ignorance is bliss, no?

Then you wonder if people are upset at/avoiding you… or if something you said prompted some kind of… well, yeah. And that all comes from silly FB status messages and lovely little photos of perfectly normal outings.

I quit. It sucks. It ruins my mood/makes me totally depressed… like every week or so. It’s so stupid. Mark what’s-his-name made a billion dollars off of it. It’s another social networking site that is becoming just as pathetic as Myspace, which is like… root of all evil, IMO. 

Yaay! 

I think I’ll go back to finishing Pride and Prejudice.

Agenda for this weekend:

Finish room cleaning + get posters out. 
Piano. Because my dad says I have to start playing this Sunday. 
Might have singing lessons. 

What is dedication? 

I used to be dedicated to just about everything I did. Then these last two years… I seem to feel like it’s just too tiring and not rewarding enough. Where has my motivation gone? 

The only thing I seem to really dedicate myself to these days is schoolwork, and that’s with so much reluctance. 

I don’t believe parents/the world should force their children/people to learn things. It just… devalues the experience as a whole. 

It’s such an exciting feeling to be able to experience something because you want to. And without any intimidation or fear or shyness or feeling of insecurity/inferiority. 

I used to do things because I liked to do them. 

These days, I feel like I’m only forcing myself to do things because that’s what other people expect from me. It just doesn’t work.

I used to feel so satisfied with everything I did and made. Then I started comparing things like websites to other people’s sites. And everything went downhill. Sure. You can get inspiration. But it’s just not the same anymore when you’re doing this or that just to imitate or match someone else’s work. It’s like you lose your creativity. 

And then you have that whole experience last year… You volunteer your time to work with others on a project, and someone else’s taste doesn’t match your own, so your entire project is scrapped. 

I don’t think I’ve ever really bothered touching Photoshop seriously since then.

You can’t dedicate yourself to too many things. It just doesn’t work. And you’re not going to be able to give your all to every single thing you want to focus on. I wish I could just pick one thing to be passionate about and avoid any kind of outside influence that could detract from the experience and just focus on that one thing.

Argh. 

Annoying. annoying. 

I just have too many qualms with my overall high school experience. 

I wish society was less restraining.  

So, does anyone know how to sum up what kind of mood I’m in?

I can’t really tell. 

I want to be more daring. I wish I didn’t care about what other people thought. I wish I could be me without having to double check with other people. 

And to those real life friends who actually bother reading my LJ entries once in a while… cell it? Surprisingly, I’ve been keeping my cell phone on. :o 

On a brighter note: