But then I lost my train of thought, so here I am right now.
I had a nice little cry in the car. That’s what parents are good for! I guess… I could’ve stayed on campus with what few college friends that weren’t going home for break. It probably would’ve been more enjoyable… considering that I’ve been mostly depressed the last couple of days. I mean, they went to Little Tokyo! And I’ve been stuck without really being able to hang out with any of my friends. It’s just so bad.
On the up side, I got a really nice raincoat that was on sale for $100 at JCPenneys. I’ve been looking for a coat like that for at least 2 years (I was hoping I’d find one when I went to Boston in April… but everything cost $200+…). I think they’re trendy and more erm… elegant than most other types of clothing?
That’s not to say I ordinarily care about what I wear.
Okay. I hate wearing jeans. I hate wearing t-shirts… =.= So what can I wear? I don’t spend any time maintaining my hair… maybe I need to care more about fashion. But if I do end up caring, then everything that I seem to like wearing costs too much. =.= Anything "affordable-whatever that means" just… doesn’t seem to fit right, at least on me. =.= I could spend $50 every other month on makeup. You know, like most normal girls. I don’t know.
I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m the odd one out all of the time. I felt that way in high school… and coming back home has only made me feel worse. =__=
How can I fit in more? Why have I always felt completely left out? I was always stuck at home, while other people went to the mall or to the beach… they seldomly invited me… and when I asked them if they were free to do anything, they would say that something came up or that they were too busy… (and sometimes, they ended up just hanging out with other friends……….)
I feel so excluded. So… why do I care so damn much? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’m pathetic.
My birthday party’s going to be a bust this year. I don’t feel like inviting anyone from high school (okay, so maybe just a few people) since hardly any of them seem to care enough about me to even really talk to me. I’ve had that feeling for a long time now…. And the worst part? Most of my college friends are going back home… by the time I can really do much for my birthday.
You know what I want to do? I want to drown my sorrows in poker chips. I’m finally going to be 18. Legal, right? I can *almost* legally gamble at an Indian casino. I’ll get my parents to take me. It’ll be interesting.
Finally, something… I can be allowed to do? And I can finally ride that stupid segway at Disneyland.
No, I don’t really feel like going back… not for a long time. Not until maybe my cousin comes… which won’t be for a while.
Winter break’s going to suck.
He’s not coming because he has work.
I think I felt happier being too busy to have fun… at least that way, I wouldn’t have to feel so sh!tty…
What do people expect in a good friend? I want to know. At least then I can figure out how to change, no?
If being a good friend doesn’t involve trying to include everyone… sure, I can exclude people and make them feel like crap too.
If being a good friend means that I should ignore everyone else who isn’t within my league or w/e… I can do that too!
I can avoid you, and say that I’m too busy to talk to you, even though I’m staring at some manga.
I can leave you to wander aimlessly by yourself while I go talk to my "better" friends…
I can one day decide I don’t feel like talking to you because I’ve found better friends…
I can dessert you for WoW or some other ridiculously addicting game.
I can not talk to you 90% of the time, and spend the rest of the time asking for "favors."
Perfect friend, right?
Yep.
I really hope I don’t end up feeling this bad after college. Friends are wonderful when you find people who care about you.
I’m tired of doing this and that and feeling left out in the long run. Why do I try so hard to make sure people feel comfortable and fit in whenever I invite people to things?
I feel like I try to hard.
What’s the point?
This is horrible. When I finally have time to write my LJ entries, I can only rant about high school stuff.
You know how you feel happy when people wish you happy birthday? At least it’s one time you get to feel more special than normal, right? So if I remove my birthday from FB, I wonder if there would be anyone who would actually say happy birthday to me. I guess it depends on my mood. I can feel even more depressed and pathetic by removing my birthday… or I can feel sort of like people care about me… if I keep in on FB. Test desu!
Birthdays and Valentines Day are always the most depressing, because you always see other people getting flowers or cakes and balloons and cards… but practically no one knows me well enough to remember my birthday… and even though everyone around me gets one rose or another… hah.
/left out.
Why is this journal entry public, anyways?
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